Get Smart

Well, I finally broke down and bought myself one of those smart phones and MAN is that sucker smart!!!! Geez, I think it’s smarter than most of my friends. Shhhhhhhh……… At a moment’s touch, I have the weather, the news, the radio, a video camera, and I can watch movies from that mega rental service with the bright red logo, you know which one I mean. I can get recipes, read books, turn my phone into a flash light, flute, night vision goggles, and even play video games…….. If I want to……. And I do………. So I do……. At inappropriate times…… Like at work. *wink*…………… And just the other day, I needed to look up the word “Loquacious” and BAM my smart phone gave me the definition. Just like that. I couldn’t get over it and proceeded to express my exhilaration to everyone around me. That is, until I received a text message FROM MY PHONE (who incidentally, I like to call Gladys) telling me to stop babbling so much. Huh!

I have to admit that just by having the phone I feel like I’m getting smarter myself, maybe by osmosis or something. Just this morning, I shot up out of bed understanding Carathéodory’s Existence Theorem as clear as the ocean in Saint Thomas. Carathéodory's existence theorem says that an ordinary differential equation has a solution under relatively mild conditions. It is a generalization of Peano’s existence theorem. Peano's theorem requires that the right-hand side of the differential equation is continuous, while Carathéodory's theorem shows existence of solutions (in a more general sense) for some discontinuous equations. I don’t know why this never made any sense to me before!

Then, I was hanging a portrait of H.P. Lovecraft on my living room wall and had a hell of a hard time getting it to hang level when WHAM my phone graciously turned into a level, bubble and all, and in seconds the picture was up and perfectly straight. Pretty smart, no? Yeah, until SHE text messaged me again saying the portrait didn’t go with my décor. What?!

It wasn’t until I started shopping online that I found out how smart my phone really was. Last night, while hanging out on the sofa, I pressed the Best Buy app and instantly connected to the store, happy to begin my shopping, free of all the hustle and bustle. As I was checking out televisions of gargantuan size, Gladys, "my so-called smart phone," interrupted me with yet another text message saying, “You seem to be packing on the pounds lately so perhaps it would be beneficial if you were to get yourself up and take a walk to the store instead of sitting there on your ever growing tush shopping from your lazy ass couch.” FINE, smarty pants!

And listen to this… I decided to get a pizza for dinner, picked up my phone and said, “Call Antonio’s Pizza.” It rang a few times and then shockingly I got, “Thanks for calling Health Happy, your source of all natural and whole foods to go, can I take your order?” See what I mean? The darn phone knew that a salad was a much healthier choice than a greasy, cholesterol-infused pizza. Now, that’s fine and dandy but I think I can make my own choices, no? Well, I ended up eating the crappy bean sprout salad with hummus but then crammed a Twinkie in my face afterwards. Next thing I know, my phone chirps out a text message from Gladys that reads, “What’s that sugar glob on your chin?” Can you believe she said that? This smart phone is really starting to tick me off! I mean, COME ON, how smart does she think she is anyway? Wouldn't you know, Gladys had the audacity to give me my answer in a text message….. “You want to know how smart I am? I’m smarter than a 5th grader………. Are you?”