Saturday, October 30, 2010

Doo or Dye

Miraculously, I somehow managed to get myself invited to the most prestigious Halloween party in Hollywood. Numerous esteemed actors and celebrities are scheduled to appear donning costumes, prosthetics, and makeup provided by, none other than, Universal Studios. Rumor has it that Johnny Depp will be appearing as Dracula, Denzel Washington as Frankenstein, Lady Gaga as The Bride of Chucky, Robert Downey, Jr. as some sort of Superhero, and Angelina Jolie as—you may have guessed—Lara Croft. The anticipation of this monstrously prodigious event is just so incredibly mind-blowing that my freakin' head is ready to pop off.

In order to prepare for the aforementioned grandiosity, I decided to pay a visit to a highly renowned (and quite expensive) beauty salon and spa. Since I trusted their professional expertise, I told them, "Do what you need to do with the doo." First, they started with a quick scissoring, then a color job, and then moved on to a soft, wavy perm. At that point I realized that there weren't any mirrors around. But, I figured hey, they were the professionals; they knew what they were doing, so what could possibly go wrong? Here's a word..... PLENTY!

This catastrophic turn of events has sent me into a downward spiral of lugubrious depression that the only thing I feel like doing now is locking myself inside the house, curling up in my favorite recliner, in the comfort of my most cherished housedress, with a hot cup of chamomile tea, reading the longest #*$%+& book I could find. Happy Halloween everybody................ boo.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Something About Mary

At this time, I’d like to take the opportunity to remind you of my immense fondness for nursery rhymes…..NOT! Okay, so you all know how I feel about nursery rhymes from previous posts. Fine. But in all fairness, I thought I’d conduct a little interview with one of my faves—Mary.

It took me quite some time to not only find Mary, but to get her to agree to an interview. Hence my absence. I sent letters, made phone calls, sent numerous e-mails, and finally, I guess it was my endless text messaging that got her to agree.

We met at a local Starbucks in her own hometown of Liverwurshten, and after a few cups of Cinnamon Dolce Crème Frappuccino Blended beverages I was able to squeeze out a short, but sweet, interview. And it went something like this…

Lizz: So Mary... It is okay if I call you Mary, right?

Mary: No, that's the dolt with the lamb. You can call me Mary Mary.

Lizz: Okay, sorry about that. Is Mary Mary your full name? Or is it more like your first and middle names? Or better yet, maybe you have two first names. Wait, I’m confused.

Mary Mary: It’s just Mary Mary.

Lizz: Okay… Moving on. So, there are numerous rumors floating around that you tend to be quite contrary. Is there any truth to that?

Mary Mary: No.

Lizz: I know there are many people out there wondering, as I am, what the hell silver bells and cockle shells have to do with gardening. Any thoughts on that?

Mary Mary: Bah!

Lizz: Well, that pretty much cleared that up. Another thing that might be on the minds of many are exactly, how many pretty maids DO you have and why pray tell are they all in a row?

Mary Mary: I don’t understand a word you’re saying.

Lizz: Um. Okay, so I’ve saved my last and final question for the end. And it’s a doozy… Mary Mary, quite contrary, how DOES your garden grow?

Mary Mary: With seeds, you idiot!

Lizz: Okay, well, that sums up my interview. You’ve been extremely helpful and enlightening. Thank you so much for the lovely chat and I hope you have a most lovely day.

Mary Mary: Push off.

And there you have it folks!