PLSL 101

Remember back in grade school when invariably, one of your friends taught you how to speak Pig Latin? Now, whether Pig Latin is a real language, or just a code invented by an extremely bored individual, it is just simply fun and easy to learn. You just take the initial consonant (or consonant cluster), move it to the end of the word, and add an “ay” such as in Ig-pay Atin-lay. In the case where the word starts with a vowel, you leave the word as is and add a “way,” “ay,” “yay,” or “hay” to the end, depending on the word, as in apple-yay or apple-ay. Simple as iepay!

So, it got me thinking, this is probably not something grade school children should be learning. It seems to be much better suited for adults twenty-one and over. Simply put, I believe classes in PLSL (Pig Latin as a Second Language) should be offered at night and weekends at every High School or Vo-Tech. I mean, why should those little rugrats have something over on us adults, right? It’s us adults that should always stay one step ahead of those short, little individuals. Plus, Pig Latin could have tons of benefits. Here’s what I’m thinking….

Just imagine, if you will, driving up to a Starbucks drive thru and the attendant (who, incidentally, is only fifteen) asks, “Welcome to Starbucks, may I take your order?”

“Yes, I’d like an innyskay aramelcay acchiatomay ithway ahay oubleday iceday innamoncay ollray, s'il vous plaît.” (I threw in the “s'il vous plaît” just to be confusing.) This Pig Latin stuff could be potentially fun as well as economically propitious. I’ll tell you why. That aforementioned fifteen-year old would most likely get so confused, flustered, and stressed out that he might actually quit his job. This in turn, would result in an open position for some poor, unhappy, schlep of an unemployed “adult” who needs to provide for a family of four. See what I mean?

Pig Latin also makes for a splendiferous implement in public. Let’s just say you’re at the supermarket and you accidentally slam your finger in the freezer door of the pastry puff section or your ankle gets run over by a shopping cart pushed by a half-blind, vertically challenged nursing home escapee. You can’t very well yell an insane amount of profanities whilst tons of toddlers are toddling about. That would be offensive, embarrassing, and down right inappropriate. But if said accident occurs and you yell, “Uckfay!” or “Onsay ofay itchbay!” in order to relieve the pain and garnish a little pleasure, no little five-year old is going to know what the hell you just said. Hence, no offense. See what I’m saying?

Pig Latin is also very useful in the household. You know how you tend to spell certain things in front of your dog like, C-O-O-K-I-E, P-A-R-K, W-A-L-K, and D-I-N-N-E-R? Well, now you can save yourself the trouble, especially if you’re a terrible speller. You can just say, “Hey, [fill in grumpy husband’s name here], don’t forget: you promised to take Fido to the arkpay after you mow the lawn! And don’t forget to stop at the pet store to pick up more ookiecays!” See? Easier said than spelled!

So, as you can see, Pig Latin has many uses and benefits but is definitely better suited to be the language of choice for adults more so than children. Hey… Wait a minute. I just realized something… What the heck do pigs have to do with Pig Latin anyway? And now that I think about it, the language sounds more like Goat Latin than Pig Latin, with all the “ay ay ay ay ay-ing” going on. Wouldn’t it be more logical for Pig Latin to add an “oink” at the end of the word instead of "ay?" Like in Igpoink Atinloink. Ellhoink eahyoink!! See?!… Just my opinion….