Conversation with Ma

RING! RING!

Hello? Oh, hi Ma. How’s it going? Good, good. Huh? Oh, dinner was good. I got Alaskan King Crab legs. Jeremy got swordfish. What? No, I didn’t get lobster this time. I had a terrible hankering for some nice, big, fat, juicy king crab legs and couldn’t think of ordering anything else. Except for a pina colada.

So, listen to this. As we sat there waiting for our food, my mouth started to water. Badly. ‘Cause right next to us, this guy just got served his plate of huge king crab legs. And, I’m not talking gigantic here, I’m talking the Arnold Schwarzenegger-beefed-up-on-steroids version! I’m not sure whose legs were bigger, mine or the crab’s! Then, he took that heavy-duty-metal-nutcracker-thing and began to crack open a leg sending shell fragments and crab water all over the place. Good thing he had a bib on. Heck, good thing I had a bib on!

At this point I’m thinking, if our dinner doesn’t get here soon, I’m going to eat the table and everything on it. Poor Jeremy, he must have seen my eyes bugging out of my head like a lobster and handed me a buttered dinner roll. I guess he thought it might help to appease me. Right! The only thing I could possibly think of eating were Alaskan crab legs dipped in hot, golden, cholesterol-infused butter. Mmmm.

I looked back over to the guy next to me with the crab legs to tease my taste buds into a nefarious frenzy and for a split second I thought he had orange appendages coming from his waist. I blinked and thank goodness they were gone. Boy Ma, hypoglycemia has a peculiar way of saying hello.

So, finally our dinner arrived. Jeremy’s swordfish looked pretty good but not tempting enough for my screaming taste buds. I practically bowed down when the King of Holy Crabness arrived in front of me. I greedily took hold of one leg and carefully cracked it, hoping to pull out the meat all in one piece. I grabbed my tiny-little-seafood-spear, ready for the kill. Slowly, I rocked the shell back and forth, back and forth. I closed my eyes, held my breath, and removed the shell like a magician removing the handkerchief, flaunting a hat filled with bunnies. But wouldn’t you know, when I removed the shell and peered inside, there was nothing in there but a string of meat and a bunch of crab water. I hate when that happens. My day was shot to hell.

What? No! I’m not overreacting. I tell ya, Ma, it ruined my whole night. I was anticipating a juicy, succulent piece of king crab meat and found nothing inside but oongats! First, they elate you by bringing the best-looking legs around to the man sitting next to you and then WHAM they plunge you into disappointment and despair. I tell ya, Ma, saliva has a funny way with dealing with disappointment.

What? No, I didn’t freak... I remained calm... I moved on… I reached for a second leg, and BINGO, the same thing. By then, I was ready to blow. Jeremy tried to calm me down with his usual hot buttered roll trick but there was no use. I mean, what the heck, Ma? Was this like some kinda mutant crab sick joke, or what?

I took a deep breath, hailed the waiter over, silently pointed at the lack of crabmeat, and did that eyebrow thing you hate. You better believe he had one double sized platter and some extra rolls for Jeremy ready in 10 minutes. There were so many legs on that plate I could have made furniture out of them! Ma, those legs were the size of baseball bats I tell ya. And scrumptious too!

But I think I ate too much.

What? Yeah, Jeremy is still talking to me.

So, are we still on tomorrow night for dinner?