Love at First Sight

Home on the Range

I’m going to camp! Eating hotdogs and canned beans, toasting stale marshmallows, singing inane campfire songs, swatting away gnats and mosquitoes, fighting for your potato chips from an army of ants, mandatory sharing of obligatory “scary” stories…….. Sounds like fun... NOT! I hate camp.

What I’m doing instead though, is going to Camp NaNoWriMo where I can stay in the comfort of my cozy warm house, drinking obscene amounts of highly caffeinated coffee, typing my fingers down to little nubbies, while in my favorite tie-dye flannel jammies and purple fuzzy slippers, in a completely bug-free environment. Now THAT sounds like fun! And what’s so great about it is, that this time around we all have a choice of word count, genre, and even the option of writing a script! This kind of camp makes sense to me.

So, I’m off as of April 1^st and will return promptly just before midnight on April 30^th if not sooner. I’m ready to go -- My bags are packed, or, shall I say, my shelves are stocked. I’ll see ya when it’s over! Have fun all you other campers!

A Giant Step for Mankind

When the department store advertised a GIANT SHOE SALE,

I don't know... I guess I just thought they meant something else.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

So, I’m sure that, after the alien incident a while back, you can guess my distress when I stumbled upon the hoards of colorful monkeys trapped inside this evil claw game in the arcade at the boardwalk. What a horrible situation these innocent little monkeys have to endure! Shocking. I mean, can they even breathe in there?

From the moment I laid eyes on them I was compelled to save them. And by save them, I mean save ALL of them. So, I placed my coins in the machine, time and time again, and thus began my mission. Within minutes I had already saved five. I was hell bent on saving them and nothing could have stopped me. Not even when the teenage attendant “politely” asked me to “step away” in order for him to “rearrange” the brightly colored, if not suffocating, monkeys. But I knew that what he really wanted to do was to push and squish them closer together, further and further down inside, and entangle their poor, lifeless arms, in order to make them all the more difficult to rescue. Not wanting him to proceed, or to draw attention to my rescue mission, I quickly used my noggin and diverted his attention away by saying that someone in the back of the arcade just beat his all time high score on Galaga. And off he went.

For the next hour or so, I not only pursued my mission, but also completed it. Barring a few dirty looks from the attendants as they watched me clean out the glass confinement, I proudly strutted out of the arcade with the entire lot of unfortunate, and mistreated, monkeys.

As of now, I have already adopted out a few little critters and will foster the rest until the perfect home comes along. So, if the feeling of giving and sharing overcomes you, please consider adopting one of these cute little colorful bumpkins using the Little Green Alien adoption form (previously supplied).

Why does this keep happening to me?…………..

April = Poetry Month

A little tanka in honor of National Poetry Month.

Willow Tree

Weeping willow tree
Sways gently in frosty air
Caressing your grave,
Dusting beautiful snowflakes
From your windswept, tear-stained stone.

Smile Pretty!

Some pictures are worth a thousand words.

Not this one.

This one is worth just one word:

Fool.

Happy April Fool's Day!

Home Sweet Home

Strange things have been known to happen to me when I least expect it. Take for instance, aliens.

A few months ago, I was doing the boring, yet necessary, chore of food shopping. It wasn’t going to be a full-blown food shopping experience but one that only involved the necessities of survival. So while I was standing in aisle seven, choosing between plain and sour cream & chive flavored potato chips, a funny thing happened. But it wasn’t until I tossed both bags in the cart and started to meander away that my brain registered something amiss on the chip shelf. And that something was green. Lime green, in fact.

I slowly turned and headed back to the array of flavored chips. Reaching out, I pushed a bag aside and found not one, not two, but three tiny alien eyes fixated on me, pleading and begging for help. I leaned in closer to get a better look at the extremely small entity donned in green flesh. At first glance, he appeared to be harmless enough. But just to be safe, I moved two bags of chips aside, and into the cart, to get a better look and that’s when my life as I knew it had changed. “Take me to your home!” implored the little green guy. I looked around… Then swiftly tucked him in my pocket, not knowing if ventilation was an issue or not, and proceeded directly to the checkout counter.

Once home, I unpacked the groceries and plucked the alien from my pocket. It's apparent now that aliens do in fact, require ventilation. He had turned an odd shade of green, which I can't quite describe since there are no such colors of this sort in the entire Crayola spectrum. Anyway, once recovered, the alien, whom I like to call Alan, and I sat down for a nice little chat. We talked for hours and hours, sharing numerous stories and bags of chips, and that’s when he told me that he and several like him are what we earthlings might call… homeless.

After popping open a bag of my most coveted cheddar flavored chips I had this brilliant idea of rescuing these poor homeless aliens and fostering them until the right parent/guardian came along. My house is what you might call “small,” so I decided to build a foster home for these cute little fellas while they waited for some generous, understanding, and kind person to adopt them.

So, here's how it went...

 First, I built the house and applied the first coat of paint.

 Then came the second coat of paint and the wallpaper.

The second floor was added, moldings installed, and the wooden floor was laid.

 

 The furniture was built and painted in complimentary colors.

 Alan moved in along with two of his good buddies.

 A short while later, a few more moved in.

Before I knew it, a slew of aliens showed up. You know that saying: "Build it and they will come?" Well, I did... And, they did... And now, I'm inundated with little green aliens and they are running amuck I tell ya! Please people, do the aliens and me a favor and adopt one... Or two... Or ten. But do it! Do it now! The application is below.

Bigify if you dare.

Balderdash

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” – Oscar Wilde

~ ~ ~

You may have noticed on my Good Reads account that I recently finished reading “The Importance of Being Earnest” -- the phenomenally entertaining and comical play by Oscar Wilde. I have to admit, it was the above-mentioned quote that triggered me to read something else by the late, great Mr. Wilde. The only other book I ever read of his was “The Picture of Dorian Gray,” which I’m sure you have all read and loved. Okay, maybe not loved, but let me just add here, that it was indeed, a piece of work regardless. And when a book down right gives me the heebie-jeebies, I’d have to say it’s a worthwhile read.

Now, as far as “The Importance of Being Earnest” goes, it was probably one of the funniest stories I’ve read in years. Maybe in my whole life. Besides for the witty dialogue and his astounding playful choice of words, it was one of the most enjoyable and amusing stories I have ever read. And I’m not afraid to mention here, that it was a totally hilarious story about nothing at all. A humdinger of a good-humored time!

So, after laughing my pants off as I finished it, I decided to rent the movie that came out a few years back. I must admit, although the movie was of a merry and mirthful nature, I would have to recommend reading the priceless play before seeing the movie. I have yet to see the movie version from 1952 but I do look forward to that jolly ole time.

Okay, I may have been so caught up in an uproarious moment that maybe, just maybe I made it out to be more clever and whimsical than it really was. I’ll let you be the judge of that. Now, onto “The Canterville Ghost!”

Tah-Dah!

Although I am immeasurably exhausted, I could not resist posting of my fantastic news. Last night, at precisely 10:30 PM, EST, I officially finished my novel for NaNoWriMo! With over 50,000 words, and more than 24 hours to go, I nearly went ballistic when I hit the bona fide Submit button and a few seconds later, saw the word WINNER before my eyes. I must admit, I’m beyond frazzled, but the important thing is…… I DID IT! Let the celebration commence tonight!

Hot Diggity Dog!

Some days I just feel like a big wiener.

Get Smart

Well, I finally broke down and bought myself one of those smart phones and MAN is that sucker smart!!!! Geez, I think it’s smarter than most of my friends. Shhhhhhhh……… At a moment’s touch, I have the weather, the news, the radio, a video camera, and I can watch movies from that mega rental service with the bright red logo, you know which one I mean. I can get recipes, read books, turn my phone into a flash light, flute, night vision goggles, and even play video games…….. If I want to……. And I do………. So I do……. At inappropriate times…… Like at work. *wink*…………… And just the other day, I needed to look up the word “Loquacious” and BAM my smart phone gave me the definition. Just like that. I couldn’t get over it and proceeded to express my exhilaration to everyone around me. That is, until I received a text message FROM MY PHONE (who incidentally, I like to call Gladys) telling me to stop babbling so much. Huh!

I have to admit that just by having the phone I feel like I’m getting smarter myself, maybe by osmosis or something. Just this morning, I shot up out of bed understanding Carathéodory’s Existence Theorem as clear as the ocean in Saint Thomas. Carathéodory's existence theorem says that an ordinary differential equation has a solution under relatively mild conditions. It is a generalization of Peano’s existence theorem. Peano's theorem requires that the right-hand side of the differential equation is continuous, while Carathéodory's theorem shows existence of solutions (in a more general sense) for some discontinuous equations. I don’t know why this never made any sense to me before!

Then, I was hanging a portrait of H.P. Lovecraft on my living room wall and had a hell of a hard time getting it to hang level when WHAM my phone graciously turned into a level, bubble and all, and in seconds the picture was up and perfectly straight. Pretty smart, no? Yeah, until SHE text messaged me again saying the portrait didn’t go with my décor. What?!

It wasn’t until I started shopping online that I found out how smart my phone really was. Last night, while hanging out on the sofa, I pressed the Best Buy app and instantly connected to the store, happy to begin my shopping, free of all the hustle and bustle. As I was checking out televisions of gargantuan size, Gladys, "my so-called smart phone," interrupted me with yet another text message saying, “You seem to be packing on the pounds lately so perhaps it would be beneficial if you were to get yourself up and take a walk to the store instead of sitting there on your ever growing tush shopping from your lazy ass couch.” FINE, smarty pants!

And listen to this… I decided to get a pizza for dinner, picked up my phone and said, “Call Antonio’s Pizza.” It rang a few times and then shockingly I got, “Thanks for calling Health Happy, your source of all natural and whole foods to go, can I take your order?” See what I mean? The darn phone knew that a salad was a much healthier choice than a greasy, cholesterol-infused pizza. Now, that’s fine and dandy but I think I can make my own choices, no? Well, I ended up eating the crappy bean sprout salad with hummus but then crammed a Twinkie in my face afterwards. Next thing I know, my phone chirps out a text message from Gladys that reads, “What’s that sugar glob on your chin?” Can you believe she said that? This smart phone is really starting to tick me off! I mean, COME ON, how smart does she think she is anyway? Wouldn't you know, Gladys had the audacity to give me my answer in a text message….. “You want to know how smart I am? I’m smarter than a 5th grader………. Are you?”

Holy Jalapeno!

Whoa! Miracle-Gro really DOES work!!!

It's Time to Celebrate!

Happy Stinco de Mayo!

I got that right, didn't I?

The Script Frenzy... Frenzy

Well, tomorrow marks day one of Script Frenzy. And what the heck is Script Frenzy you may be asking? Well, it's basically a race against the clock to see if you can write a 100-page script in the 30 days of April. Exciting, no? But here's the kicker... There is no one hanging over you cracking the whip, you are not competing against other writers, and there are no prizes. So why do it? Because it's FUN... in a frenzy sort of way. My initial idea was to write a melodramatic, heartwarming screenplay. Two days ago, I trashed that idea for an even better one: a fantasy comedy with a hint of horror. Better, no? Well then, tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'll be off to the races! Wish me luck.

PLSL 101

Remember back in grade school when invariably, one of your friends taught you how to speak Pig Latin? Now, whether Pig Latin is a real language, or just a code invented by an extremely bored individual, it is just simply fun and easy to learn. You just take the initial consonant (or consonant cluster), move it to the end of the word, and add an “ay” such as in Ig-pay Atin-lay. In the case where the word starts with a vowel, you leave the word as is and add a “way,” “ay,” “yay,” or “hay” to the end, depending on the word, as in apple-yay or apple-ay. Simple as iepay!

So, it got me thinking, this is probably not something grade school children should be learning. It seems to be much better suited for adults twenty-one and over. Simply put, I believe classes in PLSL (Pig Latin as a Second Language) should be offered at night and weekends at every High School or Vo-Tech. I mean, why should those little rugrats have something over on us adults, right? It’s us adults that should always stay one step ahead of those short, little individuals. Plus, Pig Latin could have tons of benefits. Here’s what I’m thinking….

Just imagine, if you will, driving up to a Starbucks drive thru and the attendant (who, incidentally, is only fifteen) asks, “Welcome to Starbucks, may I take your order?”

“Yes, I’d like an innyskay aramelcay acchiatomay ithway ahay oubleday iceday innamoncay ollray, s'il vous plaît.” (I threw in the “s'il vous plaît” just to be confusing.) This Pig Latin stuff could be potentially fun as well as economically propitious. I’ll tell you why. That aforementioned fifteen-year old would most likely get so confused, flustered, and stressed out that he might actually quit his job. This in turn, would result in an open position for some poor, unhappy, schlep of an unemployed “adult” who needs to provide for a family of four. See what I mean?

Pig Latin also makes for a splendiferous implement in public. Let’s just say you’re at the supermarket and you accidentally slam your finger in the freezer door of the pastry puff section or your ankle gets run over by a shopping cart pushed by a half-blind, vertically challenged nursing home escapee. You can’t very well yell an insane amount of profanities whilst tons of toddlers are toddling about. That would be offensive, embarrassing, and down right inappropriate. But if said accident occurs and you yell, “Uckfay!” or “Onsay ofay itchbay!” in order to relieve the pain and garnish a little pleasure, no little five-year old is going to know what the hell you just said. Hence, no offense. See what I’m saying?

Pig Latin is also very useful in the household. You know how you tend to spell certain things in front of your dog like, C-O-O-K-I-E, P-A-R-K, W-A-L-K, and D-I-N-N-E-R? Well, now you can save yourself the trouble, especially if you’re a terrible speller. You can just say, “Hey, [fill in grumpy husband’s name here], don’t forget: you promised to take Fido to the arkpay after you mow the lawn! And don’t forget to stop at the pet store to pick up more ookiecays!” See? Easier said than spelled!

So, as you can see, Pig Latin has many uses and benefits but is definitely better suited to be the language of choice for adults more so than children. Hey… Wait a minute. I just realized something… What the heck do pigs have to do with Pig Latin anyway? And now that I think about it, the language sounds more like Goat Latin than Pig Latin, with all the “ay ay ay ay ay-ing” going on. Wouldn’t it be more logical for Pig Latin to add an “oink” at the end of the word instead of "ay?" Like in Igpoink Atinloink. Ellhoink eahyoink!! See?!… Just my opinion….

A Day in the Life of a Lovecraftian

Rather groggy, I rose from the warmth of my quilt-covered bed and shuffled over to the slightly opened window and drew in the fresh, Cool Air. The window, chipping of age-yellowed paint and covered with a parade of Old Bugs, overlooked the The Shunned House across the street, in which He lived. Down The Street to the left was The Temple where The Festival was taking place in the crowded lot. The Crawling Chaos reminded me of The Dunwich Horror that happened years ago. Over to the right was the Dagon fishing dock and The Tree where The Cats of Ulthar congregated daily in hopes of being fed some tasty morsels of fish by the sailors as they disembarked The White Ship. I have to say, it’s quite dispiriting living in The Nameless City.

After a time, I meandered back to my bed, and grabbed The Little Glass Bottle from my hand-carved wooden nightstand as I ritually did every morning. Inside was the hideous-tasting blue liquid medicine I was assured would rid me of The Lurking Fear from which I often suffered. The resident Alchemist had referred me to The Terrible Old Man who lived in The Secret Cave by the shipyard where he secretly made this medicine from ingredients found in The Moon-Bog.

Heading toward the drawing room with The Hound at my feet, I retrieved The Silver Key I kept hidden behind The Picture in the House. Not just any picture mind you, but the one in fact, The Evil Clergyman found At the Mountains of Madness. Yes, that’s the one. With the key, I unlocked the The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, my great uncle who left it in my trust, and carefully removed The Book titled, The Unnamable.

Reading from the chapter containing The Statement of Randolph Carter, I suddenly noticed hellacious scratching noises coming From Beyond, perhaps the next room. I realized a moment later, it must have been The Rats In The Walls, for they often scurried haphazardly in an attempt to avoid The Trap I set. If Memory serves, that trap was set the day I witnessed The Shadow Over Innsmouth—A remarkable coincidence, no? In an attempt to drown out the grating noise, I turned up the volume on my phonograph— a Pickman’s Model of course—in which The Music of Erich Zann was soothingly being played. To further calm my jagged nerves, I decided to open one of the Two Black Bottles of brandy given to me by my dear friend Howard who I’ve known since my forsaken youth. He brought them back from his three-month voyage on The Mysterious Ship called The Outsider.

Hours later, feeling languorous from the brandy and my disconcerting day, it barely registered that my doorbell had rung. It wasn’t until the second or third ring that it finally made its way through my numbed brain. I’d hoped it wasn’t The Man of Stone again trying to sell me another magazine subscription. He’s relentless that guy. To my surprise, it was my good friend and colleague, Herbert West: Reanimator. “Well, well, well. Looky What the Moon Brings!” I said.

“Spare me the trivialities.”

Admiring his attire, my eyes drifted from the top of his black felt derby down to his highly polished wingtip shoes. “What’s that my good friend?” I asked.

“What?”

“The Thing on the Doorstep.”

“Oh that. That’s just a pile of Ashes. It was probably left by The Very Old Folk I passed on my way here. They seem to be leaving them on everyone’s doorstep for some reason or other.”

“Oh, I see. Well, do come in. Come in!”

We made ourselves comfortable on the viridian velvet couch and I poured us both some brandy. “So, what brings you by, my friend?”

“Well, I was over in The Tomb, doing some research on The Mystery of the Grave-Yard, when like The Shadow Out of Time I got the most brilliant idea I’d like to run past you. I was thinking of investigating The Horror in the Museum that happened last month and was wondering if you’d like to help since you have a penchant for the bizarre. Surely, I could use all the help I could muster. I must warn you, however, it would involve spending much time In The Vault and I know how you feel about tight spaces. Perhaps you’d like to take a stroll with me down the street to The Festival and discuss it?”

“Well, I have been having a hard time relaxing around here today so perhaps a nice stroll would do me some good. I’m not sure how I could help but I’m willing to hear you out.” Just as I was crossing the room to get my shoes and coat, the telephone rang. “That must be The Call of Cthulhu I’ve been waiting for. Please excuse me my friend, I must take this call.”

A few moments later, flabbergasted, I languidly placed the telephone back in its cradle, staring into space.

“What is it my friend? You look like someone died.”

“Someone did... Cthulhu’s brother, Azathoth. He took a sudden turn for the worse. I can't believe this happened... I just can't believe he's dead."

"Well, my friend... not if I can help it!"

Bloggiversary

Well, you may not realize that today is a very special day. It is the same day, exactly one year ago in fact, that I created my blog. Although I don't blog all that frequently, I do enjoy it immensely. So, in order to celebrate my "bloggiversary," I decided to whoop it up in many ways. Yesterday, I popped open a bottle of the bubbly and had myself a nice little party for one. Then, I had myself the most scrumdilicious steak and lobster dinner with garlic green beans, pilaf, and crème brulee for dessert. Finally, I joined a gym in order to work off some of my celebratory cholesterol-artery-clogging-calories.

This morning, in my exhilaration of starting off a new year of blogging on the right foot, I packed my Hello Kitty vinyl gym bag with workout clothes of a somewhat fashionable nature, a new pair of squeaky sneaks, terrycloth sweatbands specifically designed for the wrists and brow, and drove myself over to the Fun Time Fitness Center.

I walked briskly through the front door, proudly displaying my newly acquired membership card of the photo ID sort, ready to sweat my butt off. And what do you think I find the instant I set foot inside the door??? Zombies taking a Zumba class! What the hell? I mean, COME ON! It's not that I have anything against zombies... they're cool in a creepy sort of way... it's just that they have no rhythm! You know what I'm sayin'?

Befuddled, I stood and watched as the mindless zombies attempted to keep up with the merengue song of choice, swaying in their rhythmically-challenged way of theirs, relentlessly bumping into each other, unaware of miscellaneous body parts strewn about the floor. I mean, isn't that a health hazard???

Zumba, as you may know, is a total body transformation fitness program. Now, doesn't it seem redundant for zombies to want to totally transform their bodies? I mean, haven't they done that already? What is left to transform into? Hence the redundancy. Perhaps a shower and deodorant would be more productive.

Unable to fathom working out with zombies I found myself sipping an energy drink called the Skinny Monkey at the juice bar. But when a zombie named Richard approached me to my right and did nothing but eyeball me up and down, with the one measly eye he had left, mumbling something that sounded like, "Braaaains," I headed straight for the door and zoomed home to work out with the Wii in the comfort of my zombie-free home, keeping my brain nicely tucked away in its cranium-protected dome, thank you very much.

End of Week 4 -- Ahhhhhh!

Well, I'm deliriously happy to report that my NaNoWriMo efforts have paid off. I not only hit the 50,000 word count, but did it one day early! I got my Winner's Badge and my Certificate so I'm happy. Okay, so my fingers are worn down to little nubbies, my head is ready to explode, and I'm sleep deprived... So what? I did it! And that's all that matters... Right?

And now, I'm doing what other "WriMo's" are probably doing--putting aside the manuscript for a while and enjoying the time off!

End of Week 3

*yawn* Oh, hi everybody. Well, I have to say, after 33,000 words, exhaustion is starting to creep in. Okay, I lied, it definitely crept. I'm using toothpicks and heavy doses of caffeine just to keep my eyes open. And, although my head refuses to stay on my shoulders, and my hands are no longer working hand-in-hand, I refuse to give up! Did I just say "hand-in-hand" about my hands? *yawn*

End of Week 2

As you may have realized, it's the end of week 2 of NaNoWriMo. Things have slowed down a bit for me and I have taken to consuming an overabundance of caffeine. At this point in the game, I find myself spending more time sleeping with my eyes open than closed. Perhaps it's just a side effect of the caffeine. I clocked in today at just under 20,000 words so I guess I shouldn't start fretting yet... right?

End of Week 1

Today marks the end of week 1 of NaNoWriMo and I have to say, it's going pretty well. I have over 10,000 words so far and still going strong. I just hope I have enough ideas for another 40,000! Perhaps a little caffeine might be in order....

NaNoWriMo is a Go!

Well, today marks a very special day. It's NaNoWriMo—National Novel Writing Month! And this year, I have decided to participate, thanks to the influence of one my writing buddies (and you know who you are!). For any of you who don’t know what NaNoWriMo is all about, I’ll explain. Those who sign up begin writing like crazy starting on November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30. I hear many of you saying, “Yeah, right!” I’d like to just add here that it’s all about quantity not quality. What do you expect in 30 days?! Quality is reserved for December and January and February and so on.

So, in honor of NaNoWriMo, I’ve decided to keep you all updated on my progress. At the end of each week, I will post a note on how things are going. As of now, I’ve got two words to my name! Good start, right? I’m very excited. Wish me luck!

Doo or Dye

Miraculously, I somehow managed to get myself invited to the most prestigious Halloween party in Hollywood. Numerous esteemed actors and celebrities are scheduled to appear donning costumes, prosthetics, and makeup provided by, none other than, Universal Studios. Rumor has it that Johnny Depp will be appearing as Dracula, Denzel Washington as Frankenstein, Lady Gaga as The Bride of Chucky, Robert Downey, Jr. as some sort of Superhero, and Angelina Jolie as—you may have guessed—Lara Croft. The anticipation of this monstrously prodigious event is just so incredibly mind-blowing that my freakin' head is ready to pop off.

In order to prepare for the aforementioned grandiosity, I decided to pay a visit to a highly renowned (and quite expensive) beauty salon and spa. Since I trusted their professional expertise, I told them, "Do what you need to do with the doo." First, they started with a quick scissoring, then a color job, and then moved on to a soft, wavy perm. At that point I realized that there weren't any mirrors around. But, I figured hey, they were the professionals; they knew what they were doing, so what could possibly go wrong? Here's a word..... PLENTY!

This catastrophic turn of events has sent me into a downward spiral of lugubrious depression that the only thing I feel like doing now is locking myself inside the house, curling up in my favorite recliner, in the comfort of my most cherished housedress, with a hot cup of chamomile tea, reading the longest #*$%+& book I could find. Happy Halloween everybody................ boo.

Something About Mary

At this time, I’d like to take the opportunity to remind you of my immense fondness for nursery rhymes…..NOT! Okay, so you all know how I feel about nursery rhymes from previous posts. Fine. But in all fairness, I thought I’d conduct a little interview with one of my faves—Mary.

It took me quite some time to not only find Mary, but to get her to agree to an interview. Hence my absence. I sent letters, made phone calls, sent numerous e-mails, and finally, I guess it was my endless text messaging that got her to agree.

We met at a local Starbucks in her own hometown of Liverwurshten, and after a few cups of Cinnamon Dolce Crème Frappuccino Blended beverages I was able to squeeze out a short, but sweet, interview. And it went something like this…

Lizz: So Mary... It is okay if I call you Mary, right?

Mary: No, that's the dolt with the lamb. You can call me Mary Mary.

Lizz: Okay, sorry about that. Is Mary Mary your full name? Or is it more like your first and middle names? Or better yet, maybe you have two first names. Wait, I’m confused.

Mary Mary: It’s just Mary Mary.

Lizz: Okay… Moving on. So, there are numerous rumors floating around that you tend to be quite contrary. Is there any truth to that?

Mary Mary: No.

Lizz: I know there are many people out there wondering, as I am, what the hell silver bells and cockle shells have to do with gardening. Any thoughts on that?

Mary Mary: Bah!

Lizz: Well, that pretty much cleared that up. Another thing that might be on the minds of many are exactly, how many pretty maids DO you have and why pray tell are they all in a row?

Mary Mary: I don’t understand a word you’re saying.

Lizz: Um. Okay, so I’ve saved my last and final question for the end. And it’s a doozy… Mary Mary, quite contrary, how DOES your garden grow?

Mary Mary: With seeds, you idiot!

Lizz: Okay, well, that sums up my interview. You’ve been extremely helpful and enlightening. Thank you so much for the lovely chat and I hope you have a most lovely day.

Mary Mary: Push off.

And there you have it folks!

The Controversy

I’d like to bring to your attention a very serious issue—the Jimmies vs. Sprinkles controversy. I have to admit, I am a firm believer that those tasty, tiny, colorful, elongated nonpareils that you put on top of ice cream are in fact, Jimmies, not sprinkles. I mean, who calls them Sprinkles out there? Anyone? If you sheepishly raised your hand, or worse, shouted, “I do!” well then you are one sorry, mistaken soul. I mean, come on! They’re Jimmies NOT Sprinkles! How could you not know that? Don’t be ridiculous. Let me explain something to you. Sprinkle is a verb. Jimmie is a noun—in other words, a name of something. That should explain everything right there. But for argument’s sake, lets move on. You “sprinkle” salt on your French fries, you “sprinkle” flour on a baker’s board, you “sprinkle” powder on a baby’s bottom. You don’t eat a sprinkle. Why? Because, and I repeat here, it’s a verb. And the last time I looked, you can’t eat a verb. That would be very tricky. So, with that said, I rest my case. They’re Jimmies. And they’re yummy. Period.

Noodle Soup

Heat large vinyl-coated pot of lightly chlorinated water using medium-high solar flame. When water reaches 86 degrees (using aquatic thermometer) stir in noodles and simmer until tender. Season with pH and alkalinity. Separately, roast one human until golden brown and add to soup. Stir. Simmer 3 to 4 hours or until done. Top with aloe lotion if desired. Serve with wine. Lots.

Sole Woman

To some, The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe is just a nursery rhyme. But to others, she was much more than that, especially to her children. To them, she was Mom.

In 1794, in the faraway land of Sole County, England, Esmeralda was born to Hammond P. Willoughby and his lovely, fair-haired, fair-skinned wife, Estella. Esmeralda developed into the all-familiar Old Woman, who in fact, did live in a shoe, but her tale was neither short nor prosaic.

Her father, Hammond, was a leathery type of fellow—hardcore, brusque—who on regular occasion, worked hours upon hours in his smelly old shoe repair store. He perpetually came home late but always had the time to tell a story or two to little Esmeralda before bed. Frequently, she fell asleep with her father’s fables and the scent of oily shoe polish permeating the room. Perhaps it was that very scent that induced her sudden nightly plunge into sleep.

At the ripe age of thirteen, she was married for the first time, but surely not the last, to Henry J. Cackleberry III, and bore three little chillin's within five years. Henry was a leather tradesman and often traveled overseas where he would sell at top dollar to other tradesmen. “What has my life come to?” griped Esmeralda. “First, I am doomed to be perpetually surrounded by leathery-smelling men and now, my husband is never around!”

At nineteen, she met a handsome young man named Charles Bernard Higginbottom IV and left her husband Henry for what Charles promised her as “a better life.” To Esmeralda’s delight, Charles was a carpenter, and had nothing to do with leather, or shoes. He welcomed his new wife and her three children with open arms and treated the little runts like they were his own. Before long, they popped out a few youngin’s of their own, five to be exact, two sets of twins and a tiny little fellow with abnormally large feet that eventually required the use of special shoes.

But as time went on, Charles began to return home from work later and later along with a sort of Limburger or Parmesan cheese smell about him.

“Charles, my wonderful husband who is hardly around anymore, why do you smell of this awful cheese odor?”

“Esmeralda, my precious wife who doesn’t entertain me anymore, I have taken a side job in a cheese shop.”

Esmeralda soon discovered that her husband lied about the cheese shop and instead, had a fetish for feet and was volunteering massages at the local shoe store in town.

In her mid twenties, Esmeralda once again left her husband for another man. His name was Nathaniel X. Winterfarkel II. Together, they had four more little bumpkins along with the seven that were Nathaniel's from a previous marriage. It was very taxing caring for nineteen children in their two bedroom rickety old shack. "Don't worry Esmeralda, I know someone who knows someone whose second cousin four times removed is a shoe maker but does construction work on the side. I'll have him build a house big enough for us all!" Nathaniel boasted. The very next day he died. And she was left with all nineteen children.

In her panic-stricken state, Esmeralda sent a telegram to her father that read, "Papa, Papa, husband just died -(STOP)- Left with nineteen children -(STOP)- I just don't know what to do! -(STOP)- Esmeralda."

Her father replied back, "Not to worry -(STOP)- Will build you a house big enough with leftover scraps of shoe leather -(STOP)- Papa."

And that's how Esmeralda ended up living in a shoe with so many children with whom she didn't know what to do. And because she had no husband to provide for them, she was left to care for all nineteen children on her own. She cooked, cleaned, and maintained the house. They just barely got by. On most nights, dinner consisted of only broth without any bread. Esmeralda grew old before her time and even though she routinely whipped the children and put them to bed, they remained a happy and close family.

One day, little Laila asked her mother, "Mama, why do we all have different last names?"

"Well, because you all have different fathers, that's why."

"Mama, what's your last name?" asked little Xavier.

"Hmm... I just can't seem to remember."

And to this day, Esmeralda's last name is to be eternally determined because, like her children, she had more husbands than she knew what to do with.

FanTastic

If you’re anything like me, and I’m sure you are, you’re probably thinking, Holy Toledo, how did you ever manage to stumble upon the World’s Largest Fan? Am I right? Well, that’s exactly what I thought when I first saw it too. I was cruisin’ down by the shipyard, when my baby browns caught wind of that fan and right away, like you, I’m thinking, Holy Toledo, it’s the World’s Largest Fan!!!! And being the “fan” that I am of super-sized, and out of proportion things, I had no choice but to take a closer look. Right then and there, I turned my V12, turbo, fuel-injected, hybrid car around so fast I nearly ended up in yesterday.

So, then I started thinking, what if I were to stand in front of the fan and hit the ON switch? Would I end up in Kansas? Would it blow me into oblivion? Would it dry out my eye sockets so I could never blink again? Would it straighten my hair had I had curls? Would I even survive?

After musing on the endless possibilities of the uses of a fan of such gargantuan proportions, I finally read the accompanying plaque and that’s when disappointment hit me like a ton of lead. As it turns out, it’s not the World’s Largest Fan after all. What you see before your eyes turns out to be the mysterious 4-blade turbine-driven central propeller of the Titanic—a boat of some sort from the year 19-something or other. However, there is the question of whether this is really the central propeller or not, even though it was found lying next to the Titanic at the bottom of the ocean floor. And here’s why…

“Supposedly,” this “Titanic boat” had three propellers, all “supposedly” having 3 blades each. Yet, in an anonymously taken picture, from way back when, or perhaps earlier, it showed a man standing next to the central propeller, which had 4 blades. However, all documents “supposedly” show no evidence of there ever having a 4-blade propeller on the ship, boat, or whatever it is; hence, the aforementioned mystery. Hmph, some mystery.

Please keep in mind that when this picture was taken, I had accidentally, left my Krause debauching lens on my camera, causing a slight distortion in size. The propeller was in fact, actually much larger than it appears. Hard to tell, I know.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to find this junky, old, propeller from some old boat that probably no one has ever even heard of rather than finding a treasure like the World’s Largest Fan. It has caused me such grief, agony, and dismay that ultimately, required me to seek therapy. I know you know what I mean. I’m sure you were just as disappointed to find this out. It’s a terrible misfortune, I tell ya.

Conversation with Ma

RING! RING!

Hello? Oh, hi Ma. How’s it going? Good, good. Huh? Oh, dinner was good. I got Alaskan King Crab legs. Jeremy got swordfish. What? No, I didn’t get lobster this time. I had a terrible hankering for some nice, big, fat, juicy king crab legs and couldn’t think of ordering anything else. Except for a pina colada.

So, listen to this. As we sat there waiting for our food, my mouth started to water. Badly. ‘Cause right next to us, this guy just got served his plate of huge king crab legs. And, I’m not talking gigantic here, I’m talking the Arnold Schwarzenegger-beefed-up-on-steroids version! I’m not sure whose legs were bigger, mine or the crab’s! Then, he took that heavy-duty-metal-nutcracker-thing and began to crack open a leg sending shell fragments and crab water all over the place. Good thing he had a bib on. Heck, good thing I had a bib on!

At this point I’m thinking, if our dinner doesn’t get here soon, I’m going to eat the table and everything on it. Poor Jeremy, he must have seen my eyes bugging out of my head like a lobster and handed me a buttered dinner roll. I guess he thought it might help to appease me. Right! The only thing I could possibly think of eating were Alaskan crab legs dipped in hot, golden, cholesterol-infused butter. Mmmm.

I looked back over to the guy next to me with the crab legs to tease my taste buds into a nefarious frenzy and for a split second I thought he had orange appendages coming from his waist. I blinked and thank goodness they were gone. Boy Ma, hypoglycemia has a peculiar way of saying hello.

So, finally our dinner arrived. Jeremy’s swordfish looked pretty good but not tempting enough for my screaming taste buds. I practically bowed down when the King of Holy Crabness arrived in front of me. I greedily took hold of one leg and carefully cracked it, hoping to pull out the meat all in one piece. I grabbed my tiny-little-seafood-spear, ready for the kill. Slowly, I rocked the shell back and forth, back and forth. I closed my eyes, held my breath, and removed the shell like a magician removing the handkerchief, flaunting a hat filled with bunnies. But wouldn’t you know, when I removed the shell and peered inside, there was nothing in there but a string of meat and a bunch of crab water. I hate when that happens. My day was shot to hell.

What? No! I’m not overreacting. I tell ya, Ma, it ruined my whole night. I was anticipating a juicy, succulent piece of king crab meat and found nothing inside but oongats! First, they elate you by bringing the best-looking legs around to the man sitting next to you and then WHAM they plunge you into disappointment and despair. I tell ya, Ma, saliva has a funny way with dealing with disappointment.

What? No, I didn’t freak... I remained calm... I moved on… I reached for a second leg, and BINGO, the same thing. By then, I was ready to blow. Jeremy tried to calm me down with his usual hot buttered roll trick but there was no use. I mean, what the heck, Ma? Was this like some kinda mutant crab sick joke, or what?

I took a deep breath, hailed the waiter over, silently pointed at the lack of crabmeat, and did that eyebrow thing you hate. You better believe he had one double sized platter and some extra rolls for Jeremy ready in 10 minutes. There were so many legs on that plate I could have made furniture out of them! Ma, those legs were the size of baseball bats I tell ya. And scrumptious too!

But I think I ate too much.

What? Yeah, Jeremy is still talking to me.

So, are we still on tomorrow night for dinner?

A Shadorma* for Poetry Month

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Goddess Aurora

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Immortal.
Ribbons of brilliance
Are unfurled
Heralding
The arrival of the king.

Goddess Aurora.

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*A shadorma is a Spanish poetic form made up of a stanza of 6 lines (sestet) with no set rhyme scheme. It is a syllabic poem with a meter of 3/5/3/3/7/5.

In Honor of National Poetry Month...

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19

Thou embark'st on a course for the tower,
Dinh's ka-tet pays haste to the beam;
Thou doth pursue the man in black,
The key to it all, the number nineteen.

Through doors thou pass to where and when;
O guardians, thy beam payeth heed.
A rose shall be much more than a rose
And 'neath it all, lies the number nineteen.

Gaze thine eyes on Maerlyn's magical balls–
Bends o' the Rainbow, have thou seen?
Through Mid-World to End-World, thou travel'st
Sai Roland Deschain's ka-tet of nineteen.

Alice, Johnny, Jack, and Jill

AWESOME! That’s my one word movie review of Alice in Wonderland. And yes, Johnny Depp was truly spectacular, amazingly awesome, terrifically fabulous, remarkably magnificent; and, well, you get the idea. Go see it! You can trust me. Now, the story of Alice, and her adventures in Wonderland, is a bit of a mystery to me. I ask you, is there really a theme to this story? She falls down a rabbit hole, meets all kinds of interesting and colorful characters, beats a boss fight, and returns to real life. And, here’s the kicker, she keeps doing it time after time. It just doesn’t make sense.

Usually, but limited to always, most stories have a theme. Now, that’s not to say a story must have a theme, it just usually does, that’s all. Alice’s story seems completely nonsensical to me, which is not exactly a bad thing. I guess. Perhaps the theme is something that might be left up to the individual. Curiouser yet, maybe what we’re looking at here is the logic of nonsense.

And, speaking of nonsense, it brings to mind, nursery rhymes. Now, I have to say, from childhood through today, I seriously have never understood nursery rhymes. I mean, COME ON! You must admit, there is definitely no logic in that kind of nonsense. They're just plain stupid! Take for example, Jack and Jill:

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

WHAT?! What the bloomin' hell of all Hades is that all about? I mean, why were Jack and Jill getting that pail of water in the first place? Who the heck ARE Jack and Jill anyway? And, why did Jill come tumbling after -- just to imitate Jack, the klutz? What the heck did he trip on, a blade of grass for cryin' out loud? What kind of crown did he break? And, all of a sudden he’s a King now?

Is it me? Or does this make absolutely no sense to anyone?

I have my own cut and dry versions of nursery rhymes that make more sense to me. Doesn’t this make more sense to you?

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his neck.

See what I mean? It makes total sense.

Holy Cow!

I heard about this huge ice cream sale at the market.

I just wasn't aware of how HUGE it was!

Aye, Yii, Yii, Yiii

Ya know how some people collect stamps or coins, while others collect comic books or marbles... And then you have the people who collect thimbles or seashells, and others who collect baseball cards or records... Sometimes, you may even bump into people who collect QSL cards or post cards, and others who collect salt and pepper shakers or antiques... Well, I have a collection of my own. And it's not just the most spectacular collection you've ever seen, it's freakin' awesome!

It all started with the birth of the Frito Corn Chip. Then, came the Frito Corn Chip mascot -- The Frito Bandito himself. Afterwards, spawned the creation of The Frito Bandito prize. And THAT'S where my collection lies.

I give you The Frito Bandito (& Gang) of pencil toppers, otherwise known as, erasers.

Picture 1 - The original Frito Corn Chip mascot: The Frito Bandito, pencil topper, from 1967. My extensive collection consists of The Frito Bandito in five lustrous colors: red, yellow, blue, green, and pink.

Picture 2 - After banning The Frito Bandito in 1970 for, um, stereotypical reasons, he was replaced with the Muncha Bunch, a group of cowboys. My not so extensive collection consists of three vibrant colors: yellow, red, and blue.

Picture 3 - Then, in 1971, the Frito Corn Chip mascot was handed over to W.C. Fritos, who was modeled after W.C. Fields. My equally less than extensive collection consists of three wondrous colors: blue, red, and pink.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my collection. I hope you like it. If you feel the need to know more, you may visit: Frito Bandito for more information.

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And with that, I'll leave you with one song in mind....

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Aye, yii, yii, yiiii, oh, I am the Frito Bandito.

Give me Frito's Corn Chips and I'll be your friend.

The Frito Bandito you must not offend.

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Okay, everybody sing!!

Lepidoptera Dulcitude

Here’s a recipe that’s been in my family for many generations. I thought I’d share it with you.

Nanny’s Butterfly Cake

2 sticks of butter
1-½ cups flour
1-½ cups sugar
3 large eggs
2 tsp. vanilla

Preheat oven to 325º. In a large bowl, blend butter and flour with pastry wisk until beads form. In a small bowl mix eggs, sugar, and vanilla with electric mixer until lemony yellow. Combine the sugar mixture with the butter/flour mixture until well blended. Bake in greased and floured tube pan for approximately 1 hour.

Now, let me explain something about this so-called Butterfly Cake. It’s far from being anything like a butterfly. It’s not light and fluffy. It’s never going to take off and fly (without help). And, it’s basically not colorful. So why would anybody name it Butterfly Cake? I have no freakin’ idea.

Once it’s baked, it weighs like, ten or twenty pounds. I kid you not! Okay, I may have exaggerated a little but you get the idea. And, after about three days, provided that you didn’t eat the whole darn thing, which I wouldn’t recommend under any circumstance, it’s so hard and heavy you could register it as a lethal weapon.

If for some unknown reason, you didn’t bother to eat it after you bothered to make it, you could put a handle on top of it and use it for the sport of Curling. Or, you could train for the Olympics and enter the Discus competition, being exceptionally careful not to kill someone when you launch that sucker. Basically, you could use it for many things such as a doorstop, a paperweight, an anchor, or possibly even a step stool for those unpretentious items just out of reach.

But, should you decide to eat this ever so delicious cake, you might just find it absolutely scrumptious, and it wouldn’t be around long enough to use for any of the above. I hope you enjoy it in any capacity.

PS – DO NOT, and I mean DO NOT go swimming after eating this cake!

Purple Majesty

So, being the celebrity hunter that I am, when I heard (from a top secret source) that there was going to be a renowned celebrity at one of the local fast food chain establishments, I found myself going from 0 to 60 in about 3.4 seconds leaving nothing but trails of smoke in my wake.

When I arrived, I was thunderstruck to find the one and only Grimace greeting people at the door. Now, let me ask you this, would you dare ask such a great and powerful purple being, such as the Grimace himself, to stop and take a few precious minutes out of his busy schedule to take a picture with you? Hell yeah!

With the exhilaration of being in close proximity of such an illustrious individual, I may have gotten a little too carried away with my relentless hugging of His Colossal Purple Godliness. He took it as an invasion of his personal space. I mean, come on! I was standing next to the Grimace for crying out loud!

The next thing I knew, the Grimace, in all his purple immensity, slowly started to back away, making his way toward the office for “Managers Only,” claiming he was overdue for a break. As he attempted to squeeze past the overstocked counter, his rotundness sent all the napkins, ketchup packets, and plastic-ware flying throughout. It was quite the spectacle. Then, he had the audacity to give me that “look” like it was my fault. Celebrities!

Stripe a Pose

It may behoove you to learn that there is a difference within the species of Stripus Varandi, i.e. zebras. And, I’m not just talking male and female here. That, should be obvious. No, what I’m referring to is definitely much more obscure. To one’s dismay, there are, in fact, precisely two types of zebras – those that are black with white stripes, and those that are white with black stripes. Now, the way to tell the difference, if I may say, is by close examination of the window to the soul – in other words, the eye!

Seventy-nine point two percent of all living zebras are black with white stripes. The reason, black being the dominant color. This presents itself in the superlative coloring of the zebra’s eyelashes. At close examination, if you find the eyelashes to be black, the zebra is in fact, a black zebra with white stripes. If you are fortunate enough to find a zebra with white eyelashes, well, then, you are basically a lucky son of a gun.

A zebra with white eyelashes simply means that you have set your sights on one of most esteemed varieties in all the Equus sovereignty -- a white zebra with black stripes. Now, although the white variety is indeed harder to find, and getting close enough to determine the color of the lashes is a feat unto itself, they are not as rare as say, finding a four leaf clover. Finding one of those would grant you the title of, One Heck of a Lucky Son of a Gun.

I’d like to also bring to your attention that there is a slight difference in temperament between black and white zebras. The fuliginous stripus varandi, the black with white stripe variety, has a more audacious and willful temperament while the auricomous stripus varandi, the white with black stripe variety, has a more placid and refined temperament. It was said by the famous philosopher, Euripides J. Constantinides, who died in 1431, that if one should ever find themselves in the presence of a scarce white zebra with black stripes, your life would succumb to enchantment and delight. Now, I ask you, wouldn’t that be extraordinary?